Sitting here. Chainsaws chomping on trees nearby.
“And I feel so helpless here… While my eyes fill with fear… Tell me do you feel the same? Hold me in your arms again.”
Voices in the distance. Unintelligible.
“All the years
All the times
You have never been to blame
And now my eyes are open
And now my heart is closing
And all the tears
All the lies
All the waste
I’ve been trying to make it change
And now my eyes are open.”
The songs shuffle from Madelyn Bailey to Justin Timberlake to You+me and even though the lyrics and mood of the songs change, my heart remains unchanged. There is damage. There is permanent damage. Nobody ever studies how the brain changes due to the effects of love lost. But I… I have lost both my mom and soon my wife in the span of 4 months and I cannot imagine my brain or heart ever being the same again. The capacity to love seems lost. And right now I don’t want it back. Right now I curse Shakespeare and all the poets who have gone before, who have waxed eloquent about how it’s better to have loved and lost. No. It isn’t. I’m an altered man. With a broken spirit. It is surely and definitively better to have never loved at all. I wish I had never looked into her sunflower fields. I wish I had never felt the warmth of her smile on my skin. I wish I had never tasted those lips or felt her touch. I wish I had never grazed her hand in church to feel it clasp around mine like a baby’s reflex. It is better to have never loved at all.
He fixes. He’s the Great Physician. He’s the Healer of the broken. He is the calmer of the storms. He is the Great I Am. And He Is. He says “I am,” and I say “He is.”
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
2 Corinthians 1:3
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort.”
He is the God of All Comfort.
And when the bible says All Comfort it means it. Whatever you are going through. Whatever. Have you lost someone? He is the God who mends your heart. Have you driven someone away? He will draw near. Have you been abandoned? He will hold you. Have you made a bad decision or series of bad decisions? He will make sure all things work for good if you truly love Him. Have you wrecked your life or your body? He will fix you. Have you been addicted? He can heal you. In the words of Chris Tomlin, “Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other.”
He is higher than any other. Any other circumstance. Any other environment. Any other pain. Any other fear. He is above it all. He is seated on the throne and the Earth is His footstool. He breathes universes into existence and He longs to draw near to you.
I am sorry I didn’t. I didn’t draw near to Him and I didn’t draw near to her. I pushed them both away. And my life is forever changed.