The season of joy approaches. That annoying little kid with glasses shows up every hour on the hour on the tv. Egg Nog becomes a cappuccino flavor at the local convenience stores, and pumpkin spice quickly is displaced like Jack O’Lanterns for lights and elves.
And as I drove tonight to get some steak (as a hot blooded American man I’m typically in the mood for steak at dinner) I listened to KLove on the radio and took a short detour to see the way the houses were decorated for Christmas. The lights illuminating the dark night as Christ did my heart so long ago. But the joy was soon forgotten.
And as I walked through the ShopRite I noticed after two years, my thumb still goes for my ring finger every time I walk towards the doors. I’m not sure why, but it especially happens at night as I walk across the near empty parking lot. And perhaps it’s because as I look around at the emptiness, my finger remembers that’s how my heart feels. And I get a meal for one. And oh how I yearn to buy some soy steaks instead of some real ones (which I could have never anticipated ever saying). How I miss purchasing salad stuff after a busy Friday on my way home, and texting her and telling her that she doesn’t need to worry about it. And seeing the smiley emoji and a kissey emoji in return.
And I think about listening to Michael Buble’s Christmas album as we make our soy salads and I can’t help but feel like a fish… As my glasses begin to fill with salt water. All blubbering and FLOUNDERing around this vast ocean of a life, as BLUE as a fish, WHALEing inside.
And now, puns aside, before I go to bed, I straighten my room a little, and I pick up a book about building your marriage and while flipping through the pages my attention darts to my television and I hear Broken together by Casting Crowns. And the lyrics devastate my already fragile heart.
I know we’re not the fairy tale you dreamed we’d be
You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand
And we dove into a mystery.
Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light
Now on this hallowed ground, we’ve drawn the battle lines
Will we make it through the night?
Only God can change our minds.
Could we just be broken together?
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us?
The only way we’ll last forever is broken together.”