And I’ve always struggled with the idea of a guy being called a douche. I mean, from the definition, wouldn’t a guy want to be one? I mean, if a woman I was just with wanted me to take her again after we were together, wouldn’t that be a good thing? How diplomatically phrased was that last sentence…? Fifty shades of grey this blog is NOT. So a douche to me has always been a good thing, or an inappropriate insult.
Until I became one. And now I realize just how disgusting being a douche is. When I think about all the ways I hurt her and God. When I think about the things I put them both through. When I think about how often I made their hearts sad or disappointed them. I realize the greatness and the vastness of my doucheyness. I’m like the extreme sports of the douchey world. I’m like the X-Games of douchey. I am Tony “the douche” Hawk. A true hall of douchey famer.
And though I make light of what I realize to be my greatest failure as a man, I am by no means minimizing the situation. To say I sinned against God is an understatement. I never lied to Him, because you can’t. But I lied to myself and her for years. And for that I feel like I will never be able to repay that debt. I am just thankful He already has.
It’s still hard to believe the crap I put her through. I amaze myself some days. Paul may have murdered Christians, he may have stoned them to death, but I am worse because I murdered my wife every day for… Insert series of explicatives… Years…
I am the ultimate Christian douche.
“For God will bring every act to judgement. Everything which is hidden, whether it is good or evil.” Ecclesiastes 12:14
“Against You, You alone, have i sinned. What is evil in your sight I have done. You are right when you pass judgement and blameless is your judgement.” Psalms 51:4
“There is no such thing as a great man of God; only weak, pitiful, faithless men of a great and merciful God.” ~ Paul Washer