I literally screamed at Him.
One of those top of your lungs kinda screams that are so guttural you begin having dry heaves.
One of those screams that are so desperate for answers you look up and wait.
I said “curse you,” to God today. I told him He’d be better off taking me today than letting me live with this feeling.
Today’s pain wasn’t the slow torment that has worked it’s way through my spirit the past few years. Today’s pain wasn’t the dull throbbing that I wear everyday like a scarlet letter. Today’s pain was the worst by far. It was the gun shot to the head that I somehow survived kind of pain. The in a chair and the mob boss sitting in front of me takes a hammer to my hands or feet kind of pain. This one was sudden and intense. It was immediate and severe.
It’s amazing how one phone call can change the course of your life. It’s amazing how so many times a little text or a voicemail or call from a voice so familiar can bring such joy in the right context, but then betray you so devastatingly in another context. Like the kiss of Judas. Such a betrayal you almost never want to hear that person’s voice again because of the words they spoke into your life.
And oh how this pain is deserved. Oh how this news is warranted. I inflicted first and I inflicted hard. But I wasn’t content to stop there. And so I didn’t. I destroyed her. Every day for years I decimated her like Hiroshima. And now all I see are shadows of the life that used to thrive. Charcoal outlines so dark, they match the feeling in my heart. Memories burned into buildings and bridges, glimpses of lives lived long ago. I tore her world apart and then walked out and then tore it apart some more. I watched her suffer and then I pulled the plug, not for her own benefit but out of selfishness. And now in a cruel yet well deserved twist of irony, she is thriving and I am the one whose plug should be pulled. And the machines that are usually white noise blare like fire trucks in the city. A severe weather siren in a small Kansas town. It’s all I hear. It bounces off the walls of my inner ears like sonar. Each thunderous beep a mocking reminder of the pitiful place I resigned myself to when I walked out.
But I am reminded too that Joel 2:25 states “I will restore what the locusts have eaten.” Maybe one day my heart will truly be happy that the woman I still love and adore has found new love and adoration in the arms of another. Maybe I will smile when shopping at Walmart or Kohl’s instead of holding back tears. Maybe one day I will get over the fact that when I was finally ready to fight, I was not permitted to. Maybe one day I will see her again with her new husband and new family and I will thank god. Maybe I will forget that two days before the anniversary of our saying I love you for the first time, I found out she is getting remarried. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
Today is not the day. But I’m glad He holds it anyway.
Lavishly bless her God. In Jesus name. Amen.