Movie night…


I woke up sad this morning. Probably like you woke up so many times after I left. You already struggled with sleeping so much and I just fed the flame once I was gone. 

But mine have been haunting of late. Creaky floorboards overhead. Hands curled as if trying to sneak up. One foot dragging to ensure a certain level of fear. Bed sheets overtop of apparitions. 

We were at the movies. I remember very little about what movie or what theatre. I believe it was in North Jersey and I believe it was a Star Wars movie, but the other details are hazy. Except that at the end I wasn’t sure where you had gone off to so I waited outside the bathroom only to find that you had gone outside and by the time I got there you were gone.

That was all. No touching or holding. No kissing. Nothing extravagant or subtle at all. Barely even conversing. Yet, it was still one of the best things that have happened to me in recent memory. You are. I miss you. Every day. In every way.

And a friend of ours recently told me that I miss you because I’m an addict. Because I’m obsessive. Because of character flaws that are too grand and too unmanageable for me to control. And he has a point. I have all that. Those are my demons and I wrestle with them daily. But he’s wrong.

I really just miss and love you. That’s all there is to it. I miss and I love you. My life is sore. And I get that it’s self inflicted and something that will never go away, and I’m allowing time to handle it all. But it really is just love. Breaking through a life that had been badly damaged. Reaching into a life that was in a pit. Coming down into what was unreachahle so that it could become reachable. I love you. No matter what. I’m attempting to move on but my heart is still yours. 

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