You’re my cornerstone.
You’re my crutch when my legs stop moving.
You’re my head start.
You’re my rugged heart.
You’re the pulse that I’ve always needed.
Like a drum, baby, don’t stop beating.
I understand that I didn’t show you this when we were married. But the truth of the matter is you still reside in my heart. You are still the sun that warms my Earth and the rain that cools it and gives it life. You’re the calm harbor after the tumultuous storm has eroded the beaches and cliffs. And as the sands of time get slowly sifted by the chilly autumn winds, I feel like they still just carry it to a new spot down the beach a little ways away.
And even though I am certain it’s over. Even though your heart is so far removed from me that it’s farther than the east from the west. Even still, if you needed me today, I’d be there for you. If you needed a shoulder, you could cry on mine. If you needed an embrace, I’d hold you until my arms gave up. If you needed a ride, I’d drive across the sea. If you needed a heart, you could have mine, because it’s yours still anyway.
There were years of struggle and there was hopelessness and there were lies. I cheated emotionally and allowed some physical things to happen while still together. My motives were usually different than their appearance but those things still happened. I will never deny that I was wrong and I did wrong. But what I can say with certainty is that my heart had changed back for you long before yours changed permanently away from me. I was ready to apologize. We didn’t need to the cops. I wanted to fix it. And I did go to her house, but I needed a friend and I struggled with where we were.
I once went into a store with my mom during the fall, probably two weeks from Halloween. And while we still in the store I grabbed an eyepatch and slipped it in my pocket in hopes to buy it later. Except, in typical me-fashion, I forgot that it was in there and I only realized once I got home that I had stolen it. My mom, drove me right back and told her the story, but the manager was so mad at me that she wouldn’t hear my mom and made us pay without even listening to her explanation. My motives were pure but the actions were wrong. I cannot express how often that has been the case toward the end of our marriage. And not all my actions were purely motivated. But, I do know, that I’m sorry…